you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Randomize
