I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
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