absolutely 100% incorrect. and i love you more you silk skinned goddess
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Randomize
