You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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