so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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