So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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