The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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