I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
