I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
