The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
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