K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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