You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
