Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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