Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
everyone is single if you try hard enough
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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