Michael Bay diarrhea
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
