genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
