Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
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