ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
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