I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize