I don't think brook has ever known best
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
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