Are we in a gay sports bar?
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
