i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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