WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
