what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
