she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Randomize
