Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
