Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
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