do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Randomize
