Yeah, it wasn't as bad as I thought. I tried not to clench and things went pretty smoothly.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
