ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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