Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
