just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Randomize
