That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
Life without a bra equals bliss.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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