I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
Randomize
