I hate your face
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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