sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Randomize
