just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
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47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
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You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
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