wanna go halves on a baby?
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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