I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
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