I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
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