She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
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Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
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Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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