I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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