So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
