i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
