Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
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