dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
i barfeds in our rink
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
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