Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Randomize
