I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
