I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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