I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
