Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
