I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
And then my night got REAL pukey
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Randomize
