His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
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