the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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