Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
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I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
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FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
He has the fingertips of a God
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