Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
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like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
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I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
I just want nice things and good sex
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
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