She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
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