His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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