You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
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