I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
