So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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