the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
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